43 Women Get Brutally Honest About The Microaggressions That Men Fling Their Way Too Often
Women are not angry. Women are just tired. There is a meaningful difference, and if you need that explained, you might want to read this article twice. Every day, without fail, without exception, and without anyone apparently being able to stop it, women navigate an obstacle course of small and absolutely exhausting interactions that individually seem minor and collectively make you want to move to a remote island with good Wi-Fi and a strict no-mansplaining policy.
Not the big stuff, although that too. The stuff that happens so regularly that women have developed a whole facial expression for it that men have never correctly identified. On a Thread, a user asked women to list the microaggressions they field way too often, and the answers were so universally recognized by every woman who read it that it could have gone on indefinitely. These are the highlights, although “highlights” is doing a lot of work as a word here.
“World Cup” vs “Women’s World Cup”. “Basketball” vs “ Women’s Basketball”.
“Soccer” vs. “Women”s Soccer”.
Asking women what they use for birth control, but not asking men. Medical records not even having a place to document what men do for their part in contraception. It doesn’t even occur to people that men can (and should) play a role in pregnancy prevention.
Using variations of “like a girl” to insult other men.
I’m a martial arts instructor. Had a guy in class recently struggling with a drill and taking out his frustrations on another dude by telling him he hit “like a little girl”.
I told him in no uncertain terms that was unacceptable. Then I stepped in to work with him and show him how hard a girl hits. He left class bruised but wiser, and most importantly quieter.
Microaggressions are exactly what they sound like, micro. Not the big, obvious stuff that everyone can agree is a problem, but the small, everyday moments that individually seem almost too minor to mention and collectively make you feel like you are losing your mind. The term was coined by psychiatrist Chester Pierce in the 1970s and later expanded by psychologist Derald Wing Sue, who defined them as the commonplace verbal and behavioral indignities that communicate something negative, whether the person delivering them meant to or not.
That last part is the one that tends to derail every conversation about this topic, because intention and impact are not the same thing, and the woman who just got asked if she is sure she understands how the software works does not feel better about it because the guy asking probably meant well. The message landed all the same, and the damage is the same regardless.
Referring to everything a woman does as “little.” “Have fun with your little book club,” “how’s your little project going?” “Go have your little girl’s night.” Excuse me sir I am not Stuart Little please stop infantilizing everything I do.
Mansplaining has been happening for centuries, but it got its name in 2008 when Rebecca Solnit wrote an essay called ‘Men Explain Things to Me’, describing the experience of a man at a party confidently explaining her own book to her without knowing she had written it. The essay went viral because every woman who read it immediately thought of seventeen personal examples.
Research confirmed what women already knew from lived experience: a 2014 study from George Washington University found that men interrupted women 33% more in mixed-gender conversations and were more likely to interrupt women than women were to interrupt men. The interruption is rarely aggressive but it is relentless, and that is the most exhausting part.
The professional credibility gap is another common issue that a Yale study gave some validity to. They sent identical CVs to faculty across American universities with one variable: the name at the top. The female-named applications were rated as less competent, less hireable, and deserving of a lower starting salary than the male-named ones.
Same CV. Different name. Different outcome. Both male and female faculty rated them this way, which might be the worst part of it all. Women in professional settings who feel like they are constantly having to prove something their male colleagues are simply assumed to have are not imagining it. Yale confirmed it.
Arlie Hochschild coined the term ’emotional labour’ in 1983 to describe the work of managing your feelings as part of a job, originally applied to flight attendants trained to stay pleasant no matter what was happening around them. The concept has since expanded to cover something women have been doing for free in every area of their lives for way longer.
In professional settings, it looks like softening bad news so nobody feels bad, mediating conflicts nobody asked you to mediate, and remembering every colleague’s birthday while also doing your actual job. At home it looks like being the person who notices when the toilet paper is running low, tracks the family calendar, and senses that something is wrong before anyone has said a word. It is work. It just does not get called that, which is rather convenient for everyone who benefits from it.
When you look at the numbers, it is simply too alarming to mansplain away. According to the McKinsey Women in the Workplace Report, 55% of women report experiencing at least one competence-based microaggression at work, and research by the Integrating Women Leaders Foundation puts the broader figure at 65% experiencing subtle or indirect discrimination on the job, making women up to three times more likely to encounter it than men.
In male-dominated or highly competitive fields, those numbers climb to between 72% and 85%, which at that point makes it an integrated part of the job description. It’s just not one you will see openly advertised n LinkedIn.
When dads bring their kids to the doctor’s office and we ask for THEIR OWN CHILDREN’S medical history, they go, “Oh, I never handle that. That’s their mom’s area.” Then they proceed to ask their own kids if they have any allergies or call MOM to ask. ONE TIME, I HAD A 7-YEAR-OLD WHO KNEW MORE ABOUT HER OLDER SISTER’S MEDICAL HISTORY THAN HER OWN FATHER DID. LET THAT SINK IN.
And although this kind of behavior can be seen in every industry, women in medicine are particularly targeted. Among female resident and attending physicians, 84.6% reported experiencing gender-based microaggressions, and 72% of women applying for residency programs reported encountering them during interviews, compared to 30% of men going through the exact same process.
These are not entry-level industries full of people still figuring out professional norms. These are highly trained specialists in rooms full of other highly trained specialists, and it is still happening at that rate, which tells you something about how little the level of the room changes the dynamic.
For women with multiple marginalized identities, the odds are probably the worst. Black and Asian women are seven times more likely to be confused with another person of the same race or ethnicity than White women. 42% of Black women report having to provide more evidence of competence than their colleagues, compared to 31% of women overall and 16% of men.
But if you are a lady reading this, none of this is new information to you. Every woman reading this thread nodded along with the exhausted recognition of someone who has been absorbing these moments for years and largely keeping it to herself because the alternative is being told she is overreacting.
It is real and significantly worse if you are also navigating race or any other marginalized identity on top of gender. But ladies have been cataloging it all along, and for now we are laughing together because sometimes that is the only plausible response to something you cannot fix before lunch.
What microaggression are you faced with way too often? Lets find some solidarity in the comments!
At a new job, in a meeting with my new direct reports. Business discussed. Confused graces among all the men, who took notes?
They all turn to me and point out that I had been taking notes and that I could share. I said, “No. Because I’m the only woman in the room taking personal notes. I will not be sharing. Assign a note taker in advance.” Slammed my book shut and strutted out of the room.
2 hours later, my boss approaches and said, “so glad you’re here.”
I hate it when a man says “Looks like it’s someone’s time of the month”.
Refusing to consume film, TV, books, music, theater or art that centers women and girls, and claiming that it “just doesn’t interest me.”
I’m a veterinarian, I have a doctorate in Veterinary Medicine. When I was dating and men would ask me what I did for work, I would say I’m a veterinarian. More then once the guy would jump in and say “you mean a vet tech?” because they couldn’t mentally reconcile a women who is a doctor.
My friend is a well-respected defense attorney. Her client was refusing to take her very sound legal advice. She fought with him for days.
Finally, she sent her male partner in. The client agreed immediately.
He just had to hear it from a man.
Honestly it’s the interrupting. Constant. I’d love to simply finish a sentence.
I’m a wedding photographer. My second shooter is a man.
9/10 times the DJ will go to him about timeline questions, changes, any communication basically. It drives me nuts.
“Females”.
Expecting her to remember everything: Appointments, school forms, birthdays, groceries, and what everybody needs.
A conversation with a man I know who never travels anywhere – Me: “I’m so excited to go to the Tongass National Forest” Him: “aren’t you going to Alaska?” Me: “yes..?” Him: “ there’s no rainforests there, it’s Alaska” Me: “so, fun fact. A forest just needs a lot of rain to be a rainforest, it doesn’t have to be hot.” He stares at me, then walks away. Later I find him googling it.
When men say my name to me in the third person, “How is Amy doing today?”
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